By Julie Shopcake
I know that writing about periods is always somewhat of a sticky subject (eew, gross), but someone has to do it — for journalism! Here’s an attempt at making light of it.
If you had to ask someone what my personality is like, they might (I hope) describe me as rational, patient, and very easy-going, among other things. We’ll leave the loud-mouthed, obscene, and obnoxious descriptions out of it for now.
But those traits are exactly what make the monthly emergence of hormones in my system irrefutably hilarious.
A lot of people may have never seen me flustered, upset or crying. But even I am not impervious to the unruly effects of hormones flushing through my system as Mother Nature pays her monthly — unwelcome — visit.
And yes, I’m talking about my menstrual cycle.
As a female, I’ve had to deal with this monthly thing since I was 14.
Hormones are a polarizing substance. There are times when I hit these ultimate lows, or waves of furious and unbridled anger for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Or, I’ll find myself getting welled up over something entirely ridiculous. Like when I’m driving and an ambulance comes screaming by and everyone pulls over to let the emergency vehicle through. “Oh my God, we all pulled over so the driver could get through. WE ALL DID IT TOGETHER,” as I choke back tears comprised of what I can only assume to be pure estrogen.
Some things I just cannot explain, but a minute later I’ll be back to normal, rocking out to some Taylor Swift I previously deemed unbearable.
The menstrual cycle is a very complex and mystical part of nature. I would say beautiful, but it’s really not – there’s no way around it. It’s hard to feel sexy when people know you’re on your period.
But every month we deal as it comes and goes as it pleases. And I’ll tell you what makes it the most difficult: most of the time I don’t even know what’s happening because the symptoms (“Why won’t you just tie the f****** bread bag the right way?”) happen before the *ahem* “flow” starts. I mean I have a general idea of when its coming, but it’s not an exact science.
Usually when I get mad, I just turn into a cynical jerk who hates the world, taking not-so-subtle jabs at everything that frustrates me. But other times I’ve found myself in this deep, dark pit of depression and angst, and I won’t know why. I’ll literally sit and wonder why I’m having a mental tantrum over pizza that is still cold after a full minute in the microwave.
And then I’ll wake up the next morning.
“Oh, that’s why.”
And suddenly the birds are singing, and happy little bunny rabbits are nibbling on dandelions.
And then I’ll enjoy the rest of my day in pain as my uterus begins clenching and contracting as if Iron Man was playing dice with it.
Interestingly enough, after moving into a house with two females, naturally the discussion of cycles came up – against my will. The discussion was if our cycles might actually synch up with each other, as they’re said to do when girls live together for an elongated period of time. Then it was brought up that the cycles will conform to that of the dominant female. We weren’t sure what constitutes as “dominant,” though. Like, is it whoever is able to kill a boar and bring it back for a feast?
My roommate also suggested women should wear red while on their periods, so the entire world knows what they’re going up against. I can’t think of a better way for someone to start his day than by walking outside and seeing a sea of women in red. Gooooood morning!
And that is my two cents on periods. Hey, a little bit of humor helps.
Shopcake has had some interesting experiences in her life, and can’t wait to share them all with you. Making you laugh is important to her, but if she makes you stroke your chin and look towards the sky, deep in thought, she’ll chalk it up as a victory.